Late 20's Life Crisis

Gabriel was joking with me the other day that I am going through a mid life crisis early. Of course there is no "crisis" unless you would call the crisis the need-to-escape-complacency a crisis.

I think that around mid-pregnancy with Noah I started to feel like I wasn't pretty. I had gained extra weight - Duh! I was pregnant! I was also in the process of growing my hair really long. I wanted it down to my hips, thinking super long hair was beautiful, but instead I was just looking like a hippie.

There was a short while after Noah was born that I started to feel good about the way that I looked. I lost so much weight while I was breast feeding that I weighed less than I did before I got pregnant! So many people commented on how thin I looked, and let's be honest, when people compliment you on your looks it feels good!

But it was short lived. When I stopped breast feeding the kilograms I had lost came back - with friends! And by this point my hair was so long that I permanently wore it in a bun to keep it out of the way, not to mention I felt like I was wearing a fur coat when it was down, but even then it was such a mission to style it.

We had just moved to a small town where we hardly knew anyone and there wasn't anywhere to go that you would need to dress up for. So the rut that I found myself in seemed to be made of quicksand and I was slowly sinking. I rarely wore make-up and my daily sense of style consisted of ill-fitting jeans and tank tops.

Saying all this it would seem as though I was just miserable. I was, but I didn't realize that I was. It was worse. I was complacent. I would push back the unhappy thoughts of my appearance and just not think about it. But it's not that easy to escape the tiny nagging thoughts in the back of my mind. The thoughts that knew I was discontent. They would surface when I got dressed - and worse when I got undressed! They would be there, evident by the frown on my face as I would look into the mirror as I tried to do something with the masses of hair. And the clothes that didn't make me look womanly.

  

The turning point for me was whilst looking through all the wonderful things on Pinterest - all the thing that I wanted for myself, the things that I wanted to be. I found a picture of Mandy Moore and I thought to myself that I want my hair to look like her's. And right there and then my mind was made up. Gone was the long desire to have hair down to my waist. I put the picture on Facebook saying that this is what I was wanting to do and asking what people thought. Within two days I had a bunch of "Likes" and comments saying "Go for it!" Three days after sharing the picture I had my hair cut.

 Once more I shared a picture on Facebook this time a before and after one. And this time I received more than double the response. I don't say these things to brag, but to express how wonderful it felt that others were happy for me and the fantastic results of what a simple haircut could bring.

Life as a missionaries wife I don't have a disposable income that I can just buy a whole new wardrobe to go with my new look. But I was greatly blessed when my close friend Alana gave me a bag of clothes that she didn't wear. In this bag was a ton of hardly worn items that matched the style that I had been pinning for some time on Pinterest. Just dressing better made me feel better about my post-baby weight, the other day someone even told me I'm looking skinny!

Now feeling pretty and confident once again I couldn't stop there. I took the plunge and did something that I have been thinking about for years and I got a small white snowflake tattoo in a discreet place.

I'm still not as happy with my body as I know I could be, and this is where the real discipline has to take place. I'm a stay-at-home-mom in a small town, and going to gym with a toddler is not an option for me. So I dived onto the internet looking for work-out routines to do at home. I found one I thought was doable and printed it out and stuck it on my fridge.

The real problem is eating right. Gabriel and I LOVE pasta and normally have it around twice a week. My mom was telling me that one of the biggest weight-loss secrets is to go gluten-free. I'm not sure if I could completely do that, but I will try to at least limit it.

So, there you have it. My "Late-20's-Life-Crisis" and my endeavor to be happy and satisfied with myself.

But alas...

"Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity. 

What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
    and hastens to the place where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
    and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
    and on its circuits the wind returns.
All streams run to the sea,
    but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
    there they flow again.
All things are full of weariness;
    a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
    nor the ear filled with hearing.
What has been is what will be,
    and what has been done is what will be done,
    and there is nothing new under the sun."

Ecclesiastes 1:2-9